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Don't want to end up a cartoon in a cartoon graveyard.

1,076 Following   420,417 Followers   6,650 Tweets

Join Twitter 3/25/08

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@mikeyireland Thank you!@DrDoomDonnelly thank you!@bradmelmore Holy shit, he did! That is amazing.I remember praying for puberty to hit. Then I heard Prince's "Cream" for the first time and my bra exploded off my body like She-Hulk.After a painful six-month battle with Meghan Trainor, I have succumbed.
1/22
2015
@Chris_Storer @kellyoxford When Kyle took her into the bathroom… I mean, I hate Kyle but that shit is rough.@kellyoxford Kim :(
1/21
2015
@MysteryExec A guy brought me a pair of panties.
1/20
2015
@TaraAriano please let it be me@leahpeah and best-looking! So happy for you!@kellyoxford Marcello's class actually made paper crowns that say "MLK" which made it extra confusing.
1/19
2015
@LouisPeitzman I had the same reaction. We are living in a decent spoof movie.
1/18
2015
@TracieMorrissey At first just Kim did it, but the rest started aping her per the manual. I think she's had too much Europe lately.@TracieMorrissey This has been driving me crazy ever since the wedding episode.
1/13
2015
@BittrScrptReadr WOW, just Googled it! That is quite a sweater, too.@SamLloyd2437 I will respect her forever for that. It was beautiful and perfect.The '90s ruined awards show fashion. Suddenly people wanted to look chic and minimalist, whereas the '80s were like MACKIE!Many of you are too young to remember this, but ppl used to show up to awards shows in CRAZY outfits, not this ivory sateen column bullshit
1/9
2015
@tobyherman27 can we also find a way to incorporate FRIEDRICH'S TEETH into conversations?@jeffytee We showed them, lol@jeffytee No MWC, no Night Court, AND I wasn't allowed to have Garbage Pail Kids! #abuseFoie gras is for assholes. http://t.co/jQbi4QHWsg
Retweeted by Diablo Cody
1/8
2015
My two year-old has begun shouting "The end!" in a sing-song voice when he wants you to stop talking to him. Going to try this myself.
1/7
2015
@tvoti OK I misplaced an apostrophe@tvoti People are willing to recognize actress's performances bc it's part of glamorous Oscar-night narrative-- but not women's stories.
1/6
2015
11 Movies to Watch Out for in 2015 http://t.co/JSbow1e4Xj http://t.co/iHTOKXgz9T
Retweeted by Diablo Cody@tobyherman27 I knew you would be my 1st fave. <3If you look awesome at 60, we can't party together.@LucindaLunacy I would LOVE to see what you would concoct for me in that wicked kitchen of yours!When people are concocting new desserts, they should just call me on Day 1 of my period and I'll counsel them.The new Girl Scout cookies are a bummer, tbh. "Rah Rah Raisins?" Give me a valid reason to cheat on Caramel Delites.
1/5
2015
@tobyherman27 One Nell was a tay in the wind; the other accidentally vacuumed the water out of Joey's fish tank.@EricIGN @tobyherman27 WHAT HAPPENED TO MY PIECE OF THE CA-AKE?!@tobyherman27 I still don't understand why they called the show "Gimme a Break!" So many good "Nell" puns were available.
1/4
2014
@OzLady41563 @DrGMLaTulippe I don't care about the pie-baking stuff-- I think it's nice, actually. But she doesn't believe in equal RIGHTS?@DrGMLaTulippe (the celeb is contributing to injustice I mean, not you!)@DrGMLaTulippe No, it's like a white celeb announcing "I'm racist, but hey, it works for ME!" Hell no. You're contributing to injustice.
12/31
2014
@tobyherman27 Grams@LouisPeitzman @julieklausner EEEEEEEUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!@MysteryBritExec I like it. No shame!@tobyherman27 you are my star, Toby.@jennyslate Anthro also wants me to believe that my ass isn't fat if it's beneath a cleverly angled tunic.I found the BEST pic to bring 2 my hairstylist, but it's porn. Cropping won't fix & I can't find another pic of this particular rubber slave@minhalbaig Oh man, that is so corny and true!Remember when "rock star" meant Mick Jagger and not something a Mormon mom calls her toddler for using the potty?@louisvirtel The broken jaw tweet from 2013 is still your finest Efron moment. It was a little edgy for your brand, but worth the risk, IMO.@BoobsRadley Ha ha, someone in Europe used my Visa to send a ton of people roses. Actual catch!@BittrScrptReadr Gummi Beary Juice = boob sweat.Sometimes I pick up my boobs just to see if there's a gummi bear under there or something.@WhitneyCummings Yesterday Dan goes, "What is that new thing people are saying that's like 'on point'?" I was like, you don't need to know.@clmazin I live with the sickness and get waves of wellness.
12/30
2014
@LoreneScafaria If you're serious about taking up talking about it, I will totally take up talking about tennis with you! #DoublesTalking@MysteryExec You never go out of style <3@jeffytee this is why I keep writing "Billy Madison" on my ballot.@LosFelizDayCare So glad Helper Pat has recovered from zir surgery and is back with the children.@mindykaling This is why I won't do Bikram! It's like, pare this down to 35 and we're good.My safe word is actually a full sentence, so just stop what you're doing when you hear me say "DIANA ROSS NAMED HER ACTUAL DAUGHTER CHUDNEY"
Retweeted by Diablo Cody
12/29
2014
@DrGMLaTulippe I love Kody and I want to ride around Vegas in his white Lexus.
12/28
2014
@TheRealEdHansen @KarenKilgariff yes!This time of year is like the browser window you leave open after masturbating.
12/27
2014
@julie_bush @lizwgarcia That's what I say; like even if she has the greatest staff ever, she has SIX CHILDREN. And all the charity. Crazy.People are like (eyeroll) "Jolie has nannies," and I'm like "I have a nanny too, and all I did today was make fucking toast!"@BrianLynch I am pretty impressed with you, actually.Easy to brush off her accomplishments bc she's a big cheesy movie star or whatever, but holy shit, Jolie is AMAZING. Like, HOW does she?@lizwgarcia I mean how does she do it? Everyone always says "Oh she has nannies, blah blah" but STILL. 6 kids, humanitarian and this. #Hero
12/26
2014
To notice what is there is all. Look more and more deeply at a single thing, and you will come to see everything in it. Merry Christmas.
Retweeted by Diablo CodyI don't get why people are so wary of me when I'm just a charismatic sex addict who enjoys creating turmoil.
12/24
2014
@louisvirtel @DrewAtHitFix Who gets custody of Vincent Price's ghost?@louisvirtel #HappyBirthdayLouis@DrewAtHitFix @louisvirtel Louis won't stop until he's like "She was tired of his Frankenweenie!" and realizes he's tapped out.@louisvirtel I knew you were going to really go to town with this.@johngary HE WROTE THAT?!
12/23
2014
@molls this is the only place I go!@tobyherman27 @kellyoxford #JustOneOfTheGuys #BoobSneakAttack@kellyoxford this is why I never even bothered to announce Rocco. No one needs that shit.Ranking artists and making lists is a dead culture's version of intellectualism.
Retweeted by Diablo Cody
12/22
2014
The Black List's No. 1 Writer on Her Breakthrough: "I Stuck To My Guns" - The Hollywood Reporter http://t.co/DAOSOfPwys
Retweeted by Diablo Cody@scottEweinberg BUT TRI-STAR FILMS ARE FINE, RIGHT?! Please don't do this to me, Scott!
12/19
2014
@MysteryCr8tve @johngary @MuseZack @MysteryExec Back at all of you!@MuseZack @MysteryExec Wait until you guys read my GOGURT spec... SQUIRTING THIS JANUARY!
12/18
2014
Bruno Mars was wearing curlers on "The Voice" bc of a little sex game we have. He was also wearing a chastity belt u couldn't see. :)
12/17
2014
@BoobsRadley @kellyoxford my 3-legged cat Max murdered my parakeet in 1988. :(I love when Stephen King just pops up in your timeline like OH HEY GUYS, IT'S ME, THE GENIUS WHO MAKES NIGHTMARES, CHATTING WITH YOU@katierosman For real, me too.The stepdad from "Boyhood" was just trying to have a good time.@Tempdiaries I think she was was upstaged by the flying car.
12/16
2014
@MysteryExec It was pretty amazing. We were watching "The Avengers" and he was justifiably confused by the appearance of "Dean."You would not believe the junior high YM nightmare that just happened in my pants. Good thing I'm at home.I secretly like the bad, phone-surfing dads at the park more than the dads who are like WAY TO GO ZOEY HERE HAVE SOME GRAPES!!!!!!!@CopyDan I changed my gun into a walkie-talkie.When I was a teenager we put some old Super 8 movies on DVDs as a surprise for my grandma. I didn't splice footage of my dumb ass in there.@DrGMLaTulippe That's what I wanted to happen!The girl in that Apple commercial is making it about herself. Great, you can sing too. Let Grandma have something, shit.
12/15
2014
It's weird how so many of you have kids who are just like you. Mine are so different than me. For instance, they're outdoors right now.@popcultini You and me both! (Thank you.)
12/14
2014
@MysteryCr8tve :)@Todd_Spence especiallyA log of filth comes out of your favorite celeb's backside nearly every day!
12/13
2014
Movie Trivia: "Follow That Bird" was shot in one continuous take.
12/12
2014
@marcmaron get Safe as Milk if you don't have it
12/11
2014
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